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Divorce is inherently unpleasant. In terms of children, it is not possible to expect to be overcome without any problems. Child and Family Psychological Counseling, Development and Training Center Psychologist and Special Education Specialist Bihter Mutlu “It is not the divorce itself that causes some adjustment and behavioral problems in children, but the parental attitudes of the parents during the divorce.”
: What are the effects of divorce on children?
Exp. Bihter Mutlu: First of all I must state that divorce is inherently unpleasant and problematic. In terms of children, it is not possible to expect to be overcome without any problems. Of course, children will be adversely affected, but only to the extent that they are affected, and that the children are affected by this process to the minimum extent - that is, to the extent that they can handle it - can only be possible if parents follow the right attitudes. In fact, it is not the divorce itself that causes some adaptation and behavior problems in children, but the wrong attitudes of the parents during the divorce.
: So what are these erroneous attitudes? What should parents not do?
Exp. Bihter Mutlu: What they should do first, let's talk about it. It's very important how parents tell their children about their divorce. Sometimes parents think ne the sooner we tell the child, the better.. I think they probably do that because they don't know how to say it or because they're afraid of the child's reaction. However, it is important to share this with the child as soon as possible after the final decision has been made. First of all, parents should plan how to say this. They should be prepared for the responses of their children and the questions they will ask. Then, no matter how young the child is, the parents should make this statement together, in a very clear and clear language, so that they fully understand what divorce means. By gathering a family environment, the parents can say: um Baby, we have an important issue to tell you. You know that we can't get along for a long time, we fight all the time, so we decided to divorce, we'll be living in separate houses, so we won't be husband and wife anymore, but we will continue to be your parents and love you all the time. ” After answering the questions of the child, it is necessary to allow and accept the negative emotions and behaviors that may occur and anger bursts. Children wonder about their own safety and care issues such as ne what am I going to do now, where will my house be, where will I sleep, who will eat and have my bath, which school will I go to? Çocuklar It is very important that the future is predictable for the child. New arrangements for the future should be explained to our child in detail. It is also useful to leave the doors of communication open in the form of abilir you can ask us any questions and tell us your thoughts and feelings bu.
: What feelings should the child accept?
Exp. Bihter Mutlu: Sadness, anger and anger related to the news received, older children may experience accusations of parents. An accepting attitude relieves children of all these feelings. In addition, all children consciously or unconsciously think that their parents divorced because of themselves. They may think so because in general, fights occur because of differences in opinion on child rearing - at least apparently. This thought brings with it the feelings of guilt in the child. Parents should say to the child many times that ız this decision is never about you, we are not getting divorced because of you, we will always continue to love and protect you ”.
While accepting the emotions of our child, it would be appropriate to inform them about our own feelings. “I know you're upset, and I'm very sorry, I wish we didn't have to do this”. Trying to pretend that there is nothing in the name of “protecting uzu our child, as if we are not upset, causes confusion in the child and represents a wrong model for expressing emotions correctly.
: What are the attitudes of parents to the mistakes in the divorce process?
Exp. Bihter Mutlu: It is very important to be civil and logical when it comes to our child. After all, husband and wife ends, but parents continue for life. This marital relationship is needed to be with the child as a parent at times such as child's birthday, first day of school, last day, graduation ceremony. No matter how angry we are to the other side, we have to succeed in separating these feelings of anger from our relationship with our child and its relationship with the other party. Let's not forget that our child does not have to feel the anger we feel. Of course, he loves the mother and the father very much, he will continue to love, and even more connected with the lost feelings. Let our child enjoy the relaxed relationship without any feelings of guilt that he continues to love the other side. We must tell and make the child feel that this is completely acceptable to you. Even in the case of new spouses, we should support the establishment of healthy relationships with these new adults, and we should only keep our sense of competitiveness to ourselves.
Reflecting our anger at our children, forcing the child to be a party, trying to get the child to accept the right, disparaging the other side, sending messages to the other party, and making fantasies like one day to come and accept our righteousness, make things even more complicated. it is useless.
: After the divorce, the child generally stays with the mother and sees the father much less. Naturally he misses more. How should fathers behave?
Exp. Bihter Mutlu: Of course, it is normal for the child or whoever stays with the father to miss the parent more, but this does not necessarily mean that it is unhealthy. A healthy relationship can continue after the time spent with the child is of good quality.
: How can the father spend quality time with his child?
Exp. Bihter Mutlu: Instead of the father walking the child from that amusement park to this shopping center and taking his own heart with expensive gifts, no expensive activity can be replaced by a half-hour game played with the intensity of love at home and knees on the floor at home. In this context, I would like to repeat: When the father will take back at the weekends after a divorce, and if there is a change of time or if he cannot receive the child, it is vital for the child's life to be predictable and to cope with feelings of uncertainty. In addition, it is more appropriate for the child to have the basic rules close to each other (such as bedtime, food, TV hours) after the divorce.
: Is it absolutely necessary to consult a psychologist during the divorce process?
Exp. Bihter Mutlu: As I said at the beginning, divorce does not cause emotional problems, adaptation and behavioral difficulties that may occur in children. Incorrect attitudes in the process of divorce have this result. If correct attitudes are followed, it may not be necessary to consult a psychologist. Nevertheless, a few counseling sessions are useful to keep this process healthy. This information is generally how to behave during divorce. Of course, each family is unique and there are individual differences. Therefore, it is useful to get family-specific counseling.