How does divorce affect children?

How does divorce affect children?

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Wondering how your communication problems in marriage and how things go wrong in your relationship affect your child? How can you make your child get through this process in the most comfortable way in these marriages that sometimes end in divorce? Marriage therapist from Terapilife Psychological Counseling. Eyüp Sarı answered all these questions for you.

1. How should couples with communication problems behave with their children?Communication problems are the most common problem areas in relationships and families. Usually people come for professional help. I've heard a lot from couples in my therapies: "Sir, anyway we have children, now they have started to complain about this situation. We can not talk, we are constantly fighting." The relationship between communication problems and the family environment; love, respect and trust. Undoubtedly, these are learned through affection and reassuring behaviors of parents to each other and their children in childhood relationships. The child learns to be loved and loved, to trust and to trust. As they perceive their parents' messages of love and trust with each other, they learn that these are essential requirements in human relationships. Especially the representation of love is a learned behavior. If we think of a girl who grew up in a family environment established by parents who do not show love to each other, who constantly argue, fight and reiterate that they hate each other, the manner of behavior that she will show to her husband in marriage will be a form of behavior that lacks love and trust. In the age of development, he cannot show a behavior that he did not live or learn during the formation stages of his personality in his marriage. Therefore, the manner in which he exhibits becomes discussion and fight. Even in the face of ordinary events that are considered normal in marriage, he shows aggression instead of love and respect for his wife. Relationships devoid of love, trust and respect in the family in which they were born and raised, gradually affect one's perception. So much so that in childhood and adolescence, when he and his parents live together, someone who always grows up with such messages often perceives the messages that reach him in his marriage in the direction of old life experiences. It transforms what is spoken and discussed to perception. Of course, this perceptual transformation also plays a role in the misperception of healthy messages containing trust and love between spouses. If you are experiencing such communication conflicts in your relationship and cannot find a solution for yourself. Marriage therapy is an important option you can use for a solution.2. Kalmak Staying married for the good of the child bir is a common opinion. How do you evaluate?First of all, I do not agree with this logic, I find it wrong. In other words, children who have grown up as witnesses of many arguments and quarrels within the family can be psychologically relieved by parental divorce, whereas children who have not witnessed their parents' incompatibility may also be more heavily responsive to their divorce. From this point on, there are some marriages that are resumed for children, but the main thing is to finish for children. In the researches, aggression, hostility and anxiety levels of divorced children are high. However, hostility, aggression and anxiety are higher in children living as witnesses of many conflicts in marriage compared to those of divorced family children. Even children suffering from domestic conflict are more likely to suffer from social adjustment disorder, depression and crime. No one wants a divorce, who marries for a divorce? But if there is no relationship, the marriage between the spouses is nothing more than acting. And the child feels it, which one of us didn't, imagine. 3. How should children be told about the divorce decision?The decision should reach clarity between the spouses without telling the child about the divorce. Do we want a divorce or not? Couples often use this discourse to drive each other into a change in discussion. And for a moment they find themselves filing a petition. It is very clear that; children should not be told when the decision to divorce is in shaking, and in indecision. We also witness that this decision has changed according to the child's reaction. That's what the kid learns. "My parents will divorce because of me, if I were good, they would not divorce." According to the level of development of the child after the divorce decision, what is the divorce, why they made this decision, he had no effect on taking this decision, what life will be with him, where he will stay with. should be explained clearly. When telling the child about the divorce decision, that is to say, both parents should be present during the conversation and the parents' feelings of mutual anger, guilt or blame should not be confused with this conversation. After the divorce decision has been communicated to the child, the child should be asked questions about what he or she thinks and feels about it. Because if the questions are not clarified in this period, the child may have problems if the unexplained feelings are suppressed subconsciously. The questions asked by the child should be answered correctly with age-appropriate expressions. The perception that sad events such as divorce can sometimes happen to people, that this situation is not the end of everything, that they will always be with them as their parents and that these experiences will strengthen itself in the long term should be created.4. What changes are observed in children after divorce in general?Divorce is a natural process in which spouses must live without harming each other and their children if all efforts to maintain the marriage do not yield results. Parents' attitudes towards each other during divorce process and their relations after divorce are the determinants of the effects of divorce on the child. Divorce is not something that children can easily understand and accept. Parents leave the child in the midst of their own conflict, the feelings of hatred, hatred and anger towards each other after the divorce, forcing the child to take sides, disparaging the other to justify themselves, or wanting revenge for the child by creating traumatic effects. When the parents divorce, they don't divorce their children, they give up being a husband and wife, but the mother or father who really does this and cuts off the relationship with the child after the divorce creates a big crisis in the child's life. As a result of the negative attitude and behavior of the parents during and after the divorce, the child is confused and experiences great anxiety. He feels angry, feels responsible for his divorce and feels blamed for his parents' dislike and abandonment. The lasting effects of divorce on the child may be low self-esteem, tendency to crime and personality disorders. In addition, because the mother and father modeled in the future may not be able to establish healthy partner relationships, may not want to marry and have children.5. What should be the attitude of the parents towards the child after the divorce?After the divorce, different emotional reactions are observed in children who have difficulty in adapting to the new order. During this period, parents need to show their emotions and confront them. If children cannot reveal their emotions, they may experience depression, anxiety, personality problems, lack of concentration and fear of loneliness. In this period, adolescents who have had a turbulent period can use substances such as cigarettes, alcohol and drugs due to the severe trauma they experience. Parents should approach the child as a friend in order not to encounter this problem, they should talk about all kinds of issues without questioning. Already a major trauma as a result of the divorce of his parents while the child's life will not be appropriate to bring new changes. In other words, a new house, a new school, a second marriage will make the adaptation process of the child more difficult. But all this can be done after the ice melts, so to speak, after the child has adapted to his new life. 6. That's all my questions, do you have anything to add?Finally; This is the most natural right of everyone as spouses can divorce each other. But divorce should never and never be between parents. Parents should seek specialist help where necessary. The child should never pay for the divorce.From uzm.psk.. Contact Eyüp directlyMarriage Therapist- Terapilife Psychological Counseling
I [email protected]

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